The Inefficient Rebel

We sometimes forget about the role order plays in rebellion.

Late post today because I was ill prepared.

My company has been going through an identity crisis, lots of things are changing at my house, East Tennessee’s weather can’t seem to figure out what sport it wants to play, blah blah blah.

I’ve been busy, tired, and truthfully, rather uninspired.

The chaos and confusion is apropos, really.

Both my favorite and least favorite aspect of running is its spiritual, meditative aspect. I do not run with music of any kind and prefer to spend my time with the Allfather and my ancestors. I ponder and dig and investigate everything from existentialist philosophy to how I wish I could grow my hair long.

Me in 2010 or so; No, I won’t ever do this again.

To be completely honest, I don’t buy coffee at coffee shops. I don’t care much for the expensive flavored stuff and prefer to just have a few cups at home or at the office. Still, “Buy Me a Coffee” is a great way for you to support my work here at Iconoclast, and would be greatly appreciated!

I’ve been doing some pretty serious introspection on my runs lately. It’s led me down a path I’ve sort of known about but have consciously avoided, primarily because it’s hard and passes by all sorts of metaphorically abandoned, haunted abodes.

Items along this path include:

The steps I take to subvert corporate culture are unintentionally making life more complicated.

I never want to sell myself as something I’m not, but my fear of being perceived as a corporate-speak-penguin is causing me to miss out on more important things.

I saw a quote recently that stated, “profession is not identity, systems are not ideology,” and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t want my profession to be who I am; I also do not want my working alongside questionable systems to be misconstrued as my support for them.

I often want to completely ax scenarios where I feel my credibility or authenticity are called into question, but my focus should be more on using that credibility to foster change within a systems I despise.

Could it be that my rejection of entities that are otherwise neutral is preventing me from reaping their intended benefits, or better yet, changing them for the better?

I fear my staunchness in opposing systems, processes, and even people I disagree with tips into the realm of performative reaction rather than strategic precision.

Believe me, I do try to keep the balance.

I have strong beliefs and stand by them wholeheartedly, while simultaneously staying open to having them changed if I encounter better information.

But I fear I inject my own logical fallacies into situations where I fear pursuit of the new idea will lead me to an end I already know is factually erroneous.

I know in my heart that there will likely be golden nuggets of information along the path that I can use on my own journey, and nothing is forcing me to see it to its end. Still, I assemble and adhere to my own roadblocks out of an abundance of caution.

I’m too old to be wasting my time, after all.

However, have I really wasted my time if I gain new knowledge that allows me to move forward four steps, even though I had to backtrack three to get it?

Odin says no.

I tangle with these items and feel like I don’t get very far, but after saying them out loud just last night, I think I’m in the early stages of figuring out what to do with them. They’re now tangible and are therefore manageable.

A friend once told me that the only true weakness we have is one we know about but refuse to treat.

I now have more reason than ever to begin that treatment, and I can’t wait to share that with you once I cross a few more t’s and dot a few more i’s.

And of course, it will be mostly public, because I’m a writer and that’s just what we do.

-jtf